So she's had my topic on depressionforums removed, fuck knows why, if she cant handle the negative comments people leave about her fuck her.
good job I saved everything that had been said.
here goes :
As I type this im literally balling my eyes out I can hardly see the screen or breathe.
I am going CRAZY, I have been on here before, using another username, jakers, but I had that account cancelled because my (now ex) girlfriend had been snooping at my posts.
So story goes as follows really during the summer we break up, i am stressed about money and uni and the lack of time we get to spend together while we are not living together at uniSo we break up, I never wanted to at all, but we did. I went back to uni for resit examinations, she stayed at home for the summer and went on a few holidays.
She came back after a holiday in italy and came round to my house, we slept together that night and it was all back on. I had been seeing a counsellor while I was doing my resits and things seemed better again. I was apprehensive about getting back with her, as she had been with 5 guys in the short space of time we were apart, i only knew about one of them until about the end of october, so i suppose that's why things seemds ok.
Then I found out about one more, and when I pressed her she told me about the others, a few weeks later she went out all night and self-medicated while I was sitting waiting on her coming home. So at this point , she said shed go to counselling but as of yet has only been to one session.
I have been working flat out since i got home and hsve had little time to spend with her, but any free time ive had ive wanted to spend with her. i was supposed to be staying over at her house the night before xmas eve but one of the 5 guys turned up and i left, I expected shed follow me but she didnt. I ended up phoning the guys current girlfriend and telling her what happened between her b/f and my g/f.
hasn't really spoken to me at all about it other than to tell me she has no friends left. I'm kind of suprised that they have reacted in that way, but I guess I know now why she wanted it kept a secret so much. In my defence I think i said I would do it because I wanted her to come after me and stop me, because she didn't react or show that she cared i didn't think it would be such a big deal.
So, she has basically shut me off, wouldn;t see me xmas eve, boxing day, today, or tomorrow, she goes to LA for new year on monday and I wont see her until the 21st of jan, when she will be moving back into our flat with me!
I can't even remember when my next counselling session is, but I know i need one sooner than it is. I've self-injured my arm, and have basically been beating myself up for days now. im sick of my life, no-one ever gives a . I have NO ONE to talk to, no friends that care or would have time to listen to me go on about my unsignificant problems. I know that I havnt got the worst problems in the world, but I cant cope with them, I feel so weak because there are homeless people walking round with a happier face than me.
This post has been edited by Burgy: Yesterday, 08:44 PM
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Elise Yesterday, 04:21 PM
Post #2
Junior Member
Group: Junior Member
Posts: 68
Joined: 9-December 08
Member No.: 31,553
Hey Walleee
Bummer with the (now ex) girlfriend. Screw anyone up at this time of year. I'm sitting on my own obsessing over the ex at the moment, if it helps at all. You're definitely not alone. He was a class a wanker as well. You think I'd see sense and just forget about him.
I know what you mean about homeless people but I'm not sure it helps much when you're feeling down. Try to go easy on yourself.
What's going on with the gash on your arm? Does it need medical attention? That might be the first priority.
Anyway I'm sorry that's all going on with you. Your problems are not insignificant. You'll find plenty of support here.
Take care,
Elise
This post has been edited by Burgy: Yesterday, 08:51 PM
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chel Yesterday, 04:49 PM
Post #3
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From: Arizona
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i dont want to sound rude , but she sounds like she isnt worth it, she does drugs and sleeps around? obviuosly she needs help herself, she doesnt seem tolike herself very much,,,, as far as your arm , be careful, i am an si-er and i have given myself a few good cuts, but make sure you sek help if it is continueing to bleed,, are you on any medication or have you seeked any medical help? it might be worth it ...... i think you need to move on and take care of yourself
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tigerlily Yesterday, 07:04 PM
Post #4
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From: Minneapolis
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I'd have to agree with chel that this relationship doesn't sound like it's in your best interest anyway. It seems to have brought you more pain than happiness.
If I were in the same situation, I'd tell her she needs to find a new place to live. I wouldn't let my ex live with me under those circumstances.
Your problems aren't insignificant - no one's are. You can compare them to other people, but that doesn't mean your problems don't exist. Everyone's situation is different. What's important right now is that you're hurting and you need help. I hope you continue the counseling. You're on the right path.
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wren Yesterday, 07:18 PM
Post #5
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Ditto to what Elise, Chel and Tigerlily advised.
She sleeps around, is doing drugs, and has no respect for you. You deserve better. If it was me, I would tell her to find a new place to live. You were doing so well - seeing your counselor, re-sitting your exams - and now look at how she can turn your world upside down by flying her self in uninvited. Let her know she is not welcome.
Sorry, I'm blunt tonight. But I have accepted less than I deserve in the past too. People like that don't want to change. If she did want to, she'd have continued with the counseling. Don't wait for her to change. Work on yourself and you'll find a better woman - instead of a silly little girl.
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walleee Yesterday, 07:32 PM
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I Si'd once or twice a few years ago, very slightly over the past year, but today was pretty much the worst ive ever done, what pi**es me off is that I hate doing it, I see it as such a selfish act when someone else does it but I feel such a release when I do it. I know it sounds crazy but it's so good. I've not looked at it for a few hours and i think im allright, I work in a supermarket so ill get some bandages tomorrow I think. I wouldn't say she 'does drugs and sleeps around' because your right she does have her own problems, the coke was pretty much a one off (shed done it once b4) and the sleeping around thing, while It was allways an issue for me, it wasn't while we were together, so she didnt cheat on me that i know of. I did feel like I couldn't possibly be as good as all these other guys with all their experiance, (she was the second girl i've slept with, im 22!)
Elise your post makes me think you could be irish? I've seen a tonne of irish people on here what the hell is going on? :D
Tigerlily, im afraid I cant tell her to find a new place because we have signed a contract to live in a student flat until july or so. At which point im resolved to moving out of there and into a place on my own if I cant find a few friends to share with. I wont be living with her again unless there is a huge change in her.
I kind of wish I could have left that last sentance out, because im sick of allways wanting her back when she's gone out all night leaving me waiting at home for her, or when she expects me to walk to the shop and get her stuff, or when she announces to all our friends that i am crap because i never take her out.
She was so nonchalant today about not talking to me before she goes to LA, I called her in floods of tears because I felt like I had NO ONE in the world to talk to and she just let me cry. She didn't even break up with me she just said she didn't want to see me until she got back from LA (or rather that she didnt know when she wanted to see me, but i assume she knows she will as she'll be living with me)
I think im dealing with this alot better than last time at the moment. Maybe because i know the way I reacted last time and know that at the end of the day, while i loved her and we had a few good times together, I was never truley happy, I might have pretended to be at times, but im sure at any point if I had of been given a wish I'd have wished for her to be something else, or do something else, infact she used to pull my eyelashes away from my eyes and make me wish on them, I allways wished that we'd be happy. Hey maybe now we will!
This post has been edited by Burgy: Yesterday, 08:46 PM
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walleee Today, 05:48 AM
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I woke up to a text asking me to stop posting about her in the internet. I think it's fair enough that im coming here because im stuck at home with no counsellor or anyone to talk to, this is literally my only outlet.
going to see about getting flights back to uni sooner rather than later as i want to get settled back into the flat without her, and I actually have a friend or two over there who could help me out at the moment.
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tilly Today, 06:03 AM
Post #8
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As long as you do not post any personal details about her you have every right to post here. If you (or other people who know you) are worried you could try posting a blog, making it private and just selecting certain people who can see it (I assume this site has that option).
You are not crazy at all for cutting. When you cut, your brain produces endorphins so it is perfectly natural that it will feel good. The danger with cutting is that it becomes addictive, and you may end up with scarring or hurting yourself more than you intend to. Also, whilst you are cutting you are not using healthier mechanisms to cope.
It must have been so painful to find out that she betrayed you. It sounds like she has a lot of issues to deal with, and I think you are wise to not continue dating her. Are you sure there is no way to talk to the student housing department and see if they could move you to a new student housing place? I'm thinking that if you are feeling vulnerable you may end up staying in a relationship with her, even if deep down you don't really want to.
There is always somebody 'worse off' but right now your pain is real, and we are willing to listen to you. You are worth listening too, you are worth seeking help for and you are worth being treated much better than this girl has.
Hang in there.
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walleee Today, 08:26 AM
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I do have a private blog, but it's of no use when I can't get people opinions on the matters im writing about, I am usually writing to find some re-assurance that I havn't been a completly terrible person.
I am SO aware of the whole getting back with her thing. It's not going to happen. There is too much stale water under the bridge, i've never been able to trust her since she lied about the guys she'd been with, and it turns out she had been keeping things from her friends too so im really not sure who I was going out with. I guess the thing could have NEVER worked because she wasn't honest with me from the start.
We live in a private flat, 3 of us, me and her, and another guy who moved in at the start of the year. I expect when we get back the two of them will become much better friends and ill be left in my room for most of the time feeling sorry for myself. Regardless, we have a private landlord, who I wouldn't expect would entertain us moving out or whatever, it would simply be too much hassle for him, nevermind us.
I've looked into flights 'home' today after telling my mum about the break up, it's gona cost alot but I may be able to get a friend to pick me up from an other airport so might just go for that. I feel like I could really benefit from getting a few sessions in with my counsellor before she gets back and before uni starts again.
I still feel like im going crazy for goodness sake.
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chel Today, 08:59 AM
Post #10
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Joined: 25-May 08
From: Arizona
Member No.: 25,522
walleee,
first of all stop cutting !!!!! it is not the path you want to go down!! second of all , for goodnesakes!!!! READ YOUR OWN POSTINGS!!!!!!!! and maybe ou will get it !i am sorry i am a little bit tired , i have been up almost all night with sick kids, anyways, i am going to make it blunt, you are pi**ing me off ! you are 22 yrs old , you have not even begun to live and you are leting this girl use you, walk all over you and treat you like crap... who is she to say you cant post MOVE ON MAN!!!!!! and if sh edoes read this, well shame on her for treating you so bad !
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walleee Today, 11:12 AM
Post #11
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thanks chel, I am moving on, im posting here, because I know that if she doesn't want to read it she simply doesnt have to come on here, or she can put my post's to ignore or she can leave. i'd rather be doing that than changing my facebook status to **** off **** off **** off like she has done.
I've just had a phone call from her shouting at me about posting here. saying that it's 'private.' Im just not answering her anymore because this is pathetic, she said she didn't want to talk to me anymore yesterday, I can't be bothered keeping this up. I want NO contact with her.
She even gave me the whole 'speak to someone in real life' line, that helps when I have no friends here!
This post has been edited by walleee: Today, 11:15 AM
JESUS CHRIST!
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