So I'm just back from seeing the dark knight again! It's such a class film. I went with my best friend/ex girlfriend x2/flatmate who got seriously pissed after asking me if I had ben smoking while I was away. I was honest with her and told her that I had. Her response was to get angry and tell me she didn't give a fuck - that's the definition of contradiction right there.

I sent her a message telling her that what's been going on with me has been something that's been a problem of mine for years. It was only on friday at counseling that I realised that I have a problem with accepting that people will be nice to me unconditionally. When I was 9 or ten years old my granda made me a boat so I could learn to sail. A few months later in school one day I couldn't stop crying because of it. Anytime anyone tells me that they are there for me if I ever need to talk, I feel bad. I cry, or completely remove myself from the situation in an effort to stop myself crying. I tend to distort reality a little and tend to look at things in a material way a little too much when it comes to how other's treat me.

My counsellor find's this funny as when I am treating other people, I may give them the smallest gift, but I would often put a great deal of thought into it, I remember putting the bed clothes on her bed while she slept in the living room, and waking her up and letting her know she could get a goods nights sleep, this was before we were together, but it was my way of telling her how I felt about her. I couldn't say it, but I could show it. The problem then was that I found myself feeling like I was constantly giving and not getting anything in return. It hasn't upset me today, but when she said she didn't give a fuck it would have torn me to pieces a few weeks ago, because I would have overlooked the fact that she is angry (indicating that she does care) and focussed on the fact that my best mate didn't give a fuck.

I've suggested that we have a chat about it all before the football on wednesday, not got a response regarding that so well have to see what happens.